Good day my fine friends today you evidence yours truly in what might easily have been an embarkation on a life the wrong side of the tracks and I lay the blame in its entirety on `ooooh I’m sooo cute` types and cacao derived treats.

Yes the fruit of the tree-de-said-cacao and its derivative comestibles has my good-self addicted in a grip of unrelenting vice like hold that I, to be frank, harbour no desire whatsoever, to escape and as you see here I had been enticed by this overly cute type and therefore become a willing party to a perpetration due to the lure of a chocolaty bounty.

Well a rather infuriated pair of parents chanced upon our foul persons in midst heist and yours truly being of a foppish constitution feared I would not bear up under a severe chastising or, worse, incarceration in a squalid uncivilised municipal bug ridden house of correction with nought but hoods and wastrels vying for my handsomeness.

Therefore in order to mitigate the impending onslaught, especially one directed towards my once-good-self, from the more than mildly miffed pair, I did state a defence as follows

Ah M‘‘laydee, M’chap, thank the heavens you have arrived to aid my enticing of this young perpetrator from this chilling den of crime inducements, why M’laydee might I momentarily digress to complement you on that rather fetching dress you sport that highlights the deeply crimson hue about your visage, and well back to this instance.

In this young cad of a cat type burglar's defence, we have here apparently your otherwise luvverlee offspring, who I will personally testify, was plagued by an aggressive bout of innard gripe, perhaps a result of an insufficient calorific intake, which a cynic, no not mygoodself, M'laydee, a third party cynic, might suggest a tad of blame might be said to lie with your good self, and well why with such a want upon a body it is easily to foresee this acting as a catalyst for a number of consequential outcomes, from a canker of  both the innards and soul, assuming there is lack of conscience, to a ravenous forage in a vessel of fodder for the family pet, to as you witness here the seeds of a life of criminality.

M’aam I have actually evidenced persons on Walton’s Mountain resort to the act of purloining to ease an innard gripe, no M’laydee, I kid you not, tis true, incredulous but true, a Waltons Mountain inhabitant, why I fear I'm going into shock again.  

Thankfully I chanced upon the potential bounder and as you see am attempting to prise him out, despite the strain upon my person why tis enough to bring about a bruising,  whilst keeping a vigilant watch for your good selves and thankfully apart from a rather horrific spoil of a container of chocolaty frozen dessert that quite frankly brings a moistening to my opticals at such squander but tis no use crying over split frozen milky treats. 
 
M’laydee I’m sure you could muster up a chuckle at your offspring’s antics, M’Laydee

And then I legged it.