I wish to quell the vicious cock & bull concoction that yours ever truly is non other than a petty grass, first as you are well aware I have other strings to my luminary bow in that I possess an enviable talent for both the dramatic and lightly entertaining arts and second I am often only a humble servant of the goodly public whose interest I serve with my charitable heart that oft does perform beyond the call of any expected duty.  However in this totally innocent incident I deny absolutely any responsibility for the capture and severe reprimand of this trio of pets who are evidenced here in midst and undisputable heist exercise now commonly known as 'The great trio tipple theft'   I merely snapped them incidentally as I was capturing portfolio images for my Star TV interior design venture and subsequently and unfortunately whilst discussing colour palettes with the master of the maison he inadvertently saw the crime scene in an image which I must have overlooked, not deliberately not through negligence but merely overburdened workload, and similarly the said overburden was entirely responsible for the same blunder when images were sent to appropriate bodies for marketing purposes and before yours truly had realised they were unfortunately all over the press  

Now I did my utmost to rectify this, wholly innocent on my part, exposure and I informed all necessary parties that I felt the pet perps were under the undue influence of a master intelligence, and that the hood was no doubt at this very moment in his lair d'criminal activite brutally dictating out his strategically planned technicalities of multiple booty heists to multitudes of petty pilfering pet packs and no doubt  plotting his own escape with a paper trail of pet implied evidence, but despite my best remedial endeavours, as the old adage goes, mud sticks,  poor pets!

How did I deduce all this I hear your disembodied enquiry

Well, said trio, despite potentially having a combined intelligence of thrice the average, could not in all honestly have devised the carefully coordinated crime resulting in what you incredibly witness before you.  It had to be a bigger brain to devise a triple bodied scaling exercise with the sheer genius of included inconspicuous portability of apparatus necessary for such.  Why?  Well I feel the fact that two sardines, a sizable salami sausage and savoury chicken breast, in a monosodium glutamate crumb based covering , which despite its hidden dangers oft teases the taste buds of even the most hardened health fanatic, were left untouched, bearing testimony to the fact that despite the triplicate brain resources they are only capable of concentrating on a singular thought at any one time and therefore more than likely only capable of operating on predetermined, by a third and intelligent party, suggestion,
 
Yours totally, innocent, was spotted mid departure and subject to an unwarranted and most vicious pet pack attack resulting in blood, hair, fang and claw gores all smeared affixed or tattooed, I feared permantly, about  my, you’ll be relieved to know still, extremely handsome person, the credit for which redemtion goes in part to the, thankfully at hand, greasy, easing, cool salves of butter, said salami, and other dietary emollients.