Good day my fine friends I’ll wager my dear old Mom’s poodle’s fleece you’re questioning the efficiency of your optical organs over today’s picture.

'Twas taken at the time I was capitalising on my luminary entertainment status to commercially endorse as many kerchingable ventures as my banks gluttonous coffers could hold the fruitious bounty of, under, I must state and realised not at the time, the questionable direction of my agent (to the Stars) Isaac Rooke (a chap with prophetic parents).  

I had, I now realise, been a mere tool of capitalisation to, sadly, make advantageous gain from gargantuan gents fallen victim to the transatlantic epidemic of manipulated obesity.  As a Star, yes note not mere celebrity, I was contractually obligated to use my handsome visage and fine physique to, I had thought, merely pleasure but now realise, fraudulently misrepresent to the goodly public in order that conspiritous parties could chortle all the way to the aforementioned bank
under a commercial connivance to bulk up the nation with toxic but admittedly irresistible edibles and then chip, chip chip away at consumer confidence to lure them into purchasing goods they couldn’t always afford, didn’t always want to impress folks they didn’t really like all to milk the kerchingable cash cow.   Yes under my gullible name we girdled, nipped or tucked them up, told them they must wear this garb and port this frippery that performs that trickery or face a lifetimes banishment from planet shallow.

I was at this particular era evidenced, the chosen endorsing nom de fame for a number of products and services including Couture Corsetry for Chubby Chaps with a confidence lack looking for lurrve.  For the, I now realise questionable, corporation Portly Products Inc,whose main business was in the manufacture of highly fatly-saturated snackery, with our renowned best seller a ginormous girdle The Trim(no)Gym with Herculean effectiveness in retaining rotund tums.

I was also the endorsing visage for Electromagnetic Luvverleeness Inc who, ironically in contradiction to Portly Products Inc, encouraged a leaving loose of large and lumbering displays in all their taut, or not, pride as irresistible attractions of uniqueness IF any hideousness was disguised with an electromagnetic insignia for a princely sum with the best selling graphics being tattoos of the Universal Jewels, Planet Earth or the The lunar Orb as any figure whether tight as a drummer boy's tool of trade as evidenced or riddled with craters of cellulite type could be accommodated for.
 
Well suffice to say be fore it transpired I had been a dupe to the good public I pulled off a hat-trick as outstanding salesman of the year in 2001,2002 and 2003 from both crooked incorporations for my astounding ability to convince each customer to both hide and display on alternative days of the calendar week their shame and pride respectively.

Suffice to say I gave away my winning trinkets to the neighbour for vessels for pet beverages as I could no longer, on being enlightened to my part in this shameful practice, bestow an easy glance upon their mocking presence.