A fine day to you my friends today’s tale is again in order to impart public information of utmost urgent nature.   Here I chanced upon this pitiable plight in this personal, and thankfully not public, place of convenience but still of potentially catastrophic consequence.

I was passing the door with intended haste as I harbour a perfectly natural phobia of all things fecal and therefore do not linger in vicinities prone to unfettered particles of airborne, not aquatic, foul flotsam.  Well! due to sounds of clearly wretched source I did pause to offer assistance and incidentally sate my curiosity which was running amok its mental confines as to what this little ritual I evidenced could be.

I felt inclined to intervene and disrupt said ritual, to impart the valuable knowledge I possess which, and I am clutching my own person in horror as I write, I impart to you all at every opportunity for nothing other than your very own good and constitutional benefit.

Well I did start to impart, “friend I am sure you are unaware of the feast of foul nature you are assimilatingthrough lack of informed knowledge, yes! you have for whatever reasons, nested your face almost neck deep within this bacterial factory which does at intermittent, depending on the regularity of human activity, periods spew forth clouds of particulate and definitely foul matter, which have been proved to levitate and circulate for a goodly number of hours and I’m sure watch from teeny fecal type optical organs, in a predatory fashion, before settling and nay smothering nay clinging, nay using their teeny fecal teeth for feasting in a most wicked and infectious fashion on all in its path.

I urge all to remember this fact and give any such area a berth of extreme width and in particular remeber whenever possible avoid places of such public convenience with passion, I also suggest, if such avoidance is an impossibilty then do fashion a hastily improvised mask of tissue type and barrier nature, and am thinking of circulating a notice of such suggestion. and not before disposing of a reasonable to assume unhygenic length in wanton waste with no conscience for such, as resulting global detriment can be set off in other conscionable modes.

Well I said to said wretch "you are not, I have deduced practitioner of practises of scatological nature, as there is no pleasure in your experience given the head-in-hand stance and accompanying sounds of woeful nature. Are you perhaps training your kitty in the preferred practise of strategically targetted fur-ball regurgitation and are exhausted and exasperated at the cat cads apparent indifference or limited ability to learn this simple domesticated exercise. Given the apparent lack, or want, of decorum I would assume twas a private moment of whatever purpose but no some significant other, a bounder non the less, has captured your pitiable plight for either fiscal or trivial entertainment gain, I therefore put it to your, not so good, self to be questioning just how significant is this other.

Well I did finally, eventually, despite lack of assisting verbals only pitiful audibles from the wretched quarter deducethat the stance was in wait, for a heave up of unsettled innard matter and as there appeared to be a reluctance from the offended innards to eject the unwanted waste I did decide to aid and indeed speed the need, and did offer to fetch a fine dish of jellied eels and yes this worked wonderfully and said sad wretch, wretched,

Which brought to mind an incident of I never quite worked out whether beastly or benefiting nature involving an unfortunate baby-blue wool top of cowled character and quite a bit of barf.

Well the arrogant, given its indifferent stance, cat harboured no sympathy for unfortuante and offensive owners plight therefore I can only assume such creature is of Vulcan origin and was no doubt waiting to feast on resulting repulsive repast as yes! twice I have evidenced a pet feast on such a deposit with as much as eagerness as yours, truly would  bestow upon a triple chock’d. triple deckered chocolaty cake concoction.

Well I did impart the notion to the unfortunate and forsaken owner that perhaps a pup might be a better consideration as twould be without doubt, and with much eager endeavour,  showing an abundance of adoration and making a fine fuss and lapping your visage with utter devotion, yes admittedly after the afore-referred to pet-puke practice, perhaps in feast fest also.

But I would with regards to this heartless cat cad, stake him out belly up upon your lawn, and scatter seeds and crumbs upon his prone state and leave him to the mercy of winged and starved redators and as for yourself I am off to fetch an elixir of effervescent type to settle your unsettled state which I will place outside the door so that I do need to return to this putrid and fecally full domain.