Good-day my fine friends.   Today you might be forgiven for assuming that an improper use of a lavatorial unit, by a person blighted by a fanatically foul-tendency towards too much attention to matters of toilet type, is taking place.   Rest assured yours truly harboured similar assumptions and put forward the conclusion of my concerned contemplations to the perpetrators parents. 

Well the highly offended M’Laydee and M’chap did reveal a contraption, that I admit, I had in my horror, overlooked, full of a multitude of various implements for plying the particular trade of plumbing type as it transpires wahat we evidence here well ‘twas nothing more afoot than a phenomenally prodigious progeny at work.   Yes the offspring of this particular family displayed an unsurpassable knack for aquatic harness and channelling.   What he couldn’t do with a length of pipe of either copper or plastic physicality, valves, unions etc, hasn’t been realised or has been the defeat and sadly often destruction of many an otherwise fine man. 

Only this two weeks past he had foraged in no fewer than 4 u-bends and heroically landed 14 pound of gag-inducing matter, installed a power shower unit, rectified two nerve jangling taps, installed a seven radiator heating system and just for a sheer ostentation installed a bidet and eye-wash station into his very own habitat.

Why I realised apologies were in order and therefore hastily said “Madam I can only declare my humble and sincere apologies and I do declare his future is set in stone and is surely sunnier than a back to back Doris Day season.   Take that Mozart chappie, knocking out ditties during his similarly-prolific formative years, there none can deny, he didn’t do too badly and is still the subject of many a conversation and airplay today.   He was admittedly fortuitous in the fact there was no distractive entertainment of television of either terrestrial or extra terrestrial type, you see lack of channels allowed him to channel his own abilities.   You know M'aam I feel privileged and feel a moistening of my opticals to have stood here and borne witness to such genius.  In his favour folks will always need water, cannot always have access to it through fiscal, conscientious or purely unselfish lack so there’s those who wont flock for his service but don’t harbour a grudge tis not of their own doing, tis a long trek from such exotic expanse as Africa and tis best they dispense with the notion of water on tap, ha ha pardon the pun, and trek the 3 miles or so for a pot of the life giving elixir, makes sense for the present.

Would you believe, none of this extraordinary gift had affected his top-chap-ness, why no when he heard I was departing homeward-bound, bless him, he whipped his head from its questionable vessel and came lunging towards my, faecal fearing, self, his chummy arms extended to vigorously shake my hand and embrace me in a manly hug of parting fellowship.
 
Well yours falling prey, after having gone no less than 33 days, 8 hours, 45 minutes and 12 errmm 13 errrm 14 errm whatever seconds since my last panic attack of, I believe perfectly rational fear of faecal spread, did shriek, deliver a fruitious heave and faint and an account of my events during my regained senses is far too unpleasant to relate so I will bid you a fine day and depart my friends.